dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
