I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
