I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
