How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
