before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
