If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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