I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
