I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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