After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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