Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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