im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
