There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
