he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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