Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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