I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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