oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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