My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
