your thong is hanging out like whoa
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
