New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
