And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
