I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
