I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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