He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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