I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
