So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
