then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Damn victory sex feels great
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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