I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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