Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
