If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
