Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
