is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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