this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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