Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
