waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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