I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
