Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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