Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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