I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
