I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
