shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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