your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
handjob tips. give me some.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
