I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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