Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
