My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
