I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
