Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
