they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
