Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
