You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
