do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
