i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
