my phone needs a breathalizer
where am i from again
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
